"The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe." ~ Joanna Macy
When I first started meditating every day, I would sometimes find myself witnessing myself with surprise, and many times awe. It usually happened when I was in a situation and would see myself pausing before choosing a response that felt the most compassionate one for myself and the other person(s) involved, rather than what had been my go-to knee-jerk reaction of defense and offence. I didn’t know where this was coming from, but I knew it had something to do with giving myself a dedicated space and time to sit in the stillness of silence and be fully present.
Then I began to crave this sacred time because it was the one place in my life where no one told me what to do, what not to do, what to say, what not to say, what to think, what not to think, etc. I felt completely free to be present to myself in the moment, whether that meant thinking about something and noticing it and letting it pass by not engaging in it – or thinking about something and getting all tangled up in it and then noticing this, choosing to release it and go back to focusing on the breath. It also meant that I was free to notice any emotions and, once again, choosing to either engage with the feeling or let it go on by and stay present in the moment. The beauty of this meant that I didn’t have to claim any emotions as “mine.” So, it wasn’t “my jealously,” or “my anger”; rather, it was simply noting the feeling of anger as “anger” and letting it go on by while I focused on the breath.
This whole process over time also gave me the freedom to not feel the need to defend and protect myself because I realized that staying fully present in the here and now is the safest place to be. There’s no future to worry or fret over; and there’s no past to regret or remorse over when I’m present in the moment.
But being fully present also means that I live with an open heart that feels great compassion for myself and others. At first this felt uncomfortable to the point where I wanted to go back and close up my heart and not feel the aches and sorrows of this world we live in. But once you start on the path of spiritual awakening you cannot go back, and now I wouldn’t want to. I used to want what I falsely believed was the safe security of living a life of protecting myself from any perceived threat of harm. But now, I know when I experience any hurt or harm, it’s part of my heart breaking open wider so I can discover even greater wonders of the many universes within me and about me.
“There is an old Jewish story… A father was teaching his little son to be less afraid and have more courage. “Jump,” he said, “and I will catch you.” And the little boy trusted him and the little boy jumped. And when his father caught him, he felt filled with love. And when he didn’t, he was filled with something else…something more. Life.” (Elinor Lipman, Then She Found Me) I know when I trust my Heavenly Father Mother God and jump into the unknown of the present moment, that I am filled with awe and gratitude for this Life Divine.
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